When I Grow Up
November 7th, 2025
I came to the conclusion this summer that I cannot be an artist. It's not that I can't do art -- far from it, I think I make more art and do more creative projects than most folks I know. It's also not that I'm uninterested in having creative jobs, far from it. I love working as a teaching artist and having the privilege to help young people with creative decision making. Being a capital-A-Artist requires such an investment in yourself as a branded, polished, individual. You need your name out there, you need to cultivate an œuvre, a vibe, or 'aura' as the kids say, of someone with taste and esteem and mysterious interior machinations. You need a business card. And I genuinely cannot keep up with any of that.
I've done a not-insignificant amount of huge creative projects in my short, young life. I ran an indie comics press and published dozens of books, I was one of four organizers of a 60+ person group show that received grant funding and had several cumulative days worth of free and community-engaged programming. I've made a couple comic books, too, for what it's worth. And in my current jobs, I'm able to keep organizing things like that on a small scale, and get paid modestly for my efforts.
I think I'm always going to be more comfortable backstage, though. Boyfriend is a capital-A-Artist who makes amazing drawings that everyone loves, including me. He has solo shows and gets his work framed nicely and gets recognized by people. Being so close to him has made me realize something crucial: I DO NOT WANT THAT!
When celebrities talk about how much it sucks to be famous, and the public at large scoff at their privilege-blinded worldview. How can they not be reveling in the praise, attention and affection of the public that's available to them at every moment, whether they ask for it or not? Seeing this kind of dynamic, even on a small, personal scale, has demonstrated exactly why that is not a good thing to have in your life.
I also feel like my skills are better suited to the backstage. I'm a very rational, craft-oriented person when it comes to art. Even though plenty of what I do is informed by abstract or spiritual feelings and ideas, the execution of it is very intentional and considered. I will always prefer to invest time into making a thing, corresponding with creative partners to make a thing, and considering the best ways for people to encounter and experience the thing. I'm sure most artists would agree with that position, but I know from experience that I really take it a step further than most. I don't want to be known as the cool person who did that amazing thing -- I just want the amazing thing to exist.
I'm not saying all this to stroke my ego and laud my humility, either: I think this actually causes some problems for me in terms of advancing my career. I don't want to create a neat little portfolio site to showcase my work, even though I really should. The things I do just don't fit well into those categories, I can't quantify or describe them in an aesthetically pleasing and adequately mysterious way that would fit into a contemporary artist's public-facing image. Frankly, it would just look more like a resume.
That doesn't mean that I'm without opportunity, though -- for all that I intentionally don't put into image, I've invested twice as much into actual experience. I'm very confident in all the things I do, and I know I can pull them off with expertise and confidence that will make people ask me to come back and do it again.
Growing up, my mom worked as a costume designer for film and TV. I remember at a young age, her telling me: "The most important thing is to be easy to work with. It doesn't matter how good you are, you're not gonna get the call unless people want to have you on their team. You have to be easy to work with". I was definitely too young to really understand what any of that meant, but she said it with such intense sincerity that I hung onto every word. In retrospect, she was probably blowing off steam complaining about someone in her life who was not easy to work with. But I'm glad I was around for it, because that life lesson has gone a long way for me.
I've considered a lot of MFA programs over the last several years, but I haven't committed to any of them for the exact reasons listed above -- I don't want to be a capital-A-Artist. I'm very comfortable in that now, but I used to not be. It definitely took a couple years to realize that I wasn't failing at doing art the way other people were, I was just succeeding in doing it the way I'm meant to. I still want to go back to school at some point, if only because I think it's a worthy pursuit and that I'd appreciate it more as a real grown-up. But now I'm looking at different programs that would help support the kind of artist life I'm building for myself now. I'm going to try to apply for MLIS (librarian degree) programs this winter. Getting to experience actually working in a library with youth has made me realize that could be an ideal career path for me. I'm also not under the illusion that the degree you get can only be applied to a singular specific use-case, so I'm genuinely not concerned about getting locked into something too specific with it. I have a BFA for christ's sake; I know what I'm in for.
The primary concern is money, but isn't it always? While higher education in any form is ludicrously and unjustifiably expensive in the states, I also think that getting the experience of being a student is unquantifiably valuable... so if you can find a way to make it work, go forth and do it. This is, unfortunately, not the type of degree that you can ride to the moon and expect to pay for itself quickly. But I'm eligible for a number of scholarships from various sources, so we'll see what I can scrounge up.
The other money concern is more based on time and place. I'm unsure if I should opt for a less-expensive online-only program, or a more-expensive in-person program. I've done enough online school to know that I would definitely prefer the experience of being physically inside of a classroom. Also, having one less obligation on the computer is always great. But I'm unsure how feasible it would be for me to balance grad student life with my current job setup, even if I can get the money together to afford school in the first place. I'm also really concerned about having enough free time to decompress. I can really easily drive myself into a workaholic state of being and ignore everything in my daily life for the ungratifying stability of a job and classes. But for the sake of maintaining my teetering mental health, I need to have a lot of time to fuck off and be by myself, doing my own thing.
I guess we'll see how it goes. I think it'll be worth it in the end.