October
November 1st, 2025
I actually need to start taking this seriously. I have always been envious of people who keep a journal as a really dedicated practice, especially since childhood. I just think it's cool. I wish I could do that, but every time I start, I'll usually get a single session of writing in, and then forget to follow up. I also usually journal as a means of dealing with overwhelmingly negative emotions; it can start to feel more like a CBT workshop than an embodied practice. I always wish I wrote more when I wasn't sad, but when I'm not sad, I don't think about writing.
I really need a daily routine. It's hard to establish one when doing the bare minimum feels insurmountable. I'm good at cleaning, though, so I can always manage to tidy and organize to keep my hands and brain busy when nothing else comes easily.
I've had a really hard-and-fast depressive swing in the last two weeks, the kind that makes me admit I really need to talk to a psychiatrist some time soon. This happens over and over again, and the pattern is worse to deal with than any high or low.
The worst part about the lows is that I have a near-pathological aversion to letting anyone know what's happening to me. There have been days in the past I'll be so torn up, feeling hopeless and terrified, and would rather die than have to talk to any of my roommates. When I do talk to someone, my instinct to be polite and charming overrides everything, using up any ounce of energy I have until I eventually have to shrink back to my quarters and fall apart.
There's a real desire sometimes to just disappear. Turn the phone off forever, never again let anyone talk to me without me talking to them first. Become less and less known, and more involved in my interior. Never let anyone else's chaos put ripples in my fragile state of mind, and never have to explain or ask for sympathy from anyone else again.
The best thing about this month was that I actually got into the Halloween spirit quite a bit. My friends and I spent a lot of time watching spooky videos over the last couple weeks, that did a lot. I went out last night to hang with friends, got more drunk than I wanted to, ended up in a very steamy pile with the two girls on my couch. Then went home and stopped in at the downstairs neighbors' Halloween party. I was wearing the Dipper Pines costume (a classic) and every room I went into, two or three women looked at me and went, "IT'S DIPPER!" to which I would reply, "yep. It's me!"
I think that this month, I'm not going to do any weekend contract gigs, just my regular job. The mood swings have given me some hard and fast burnout, I need to spend some time being lazy for a while. At least I actually like the work I'm doing right now, and being at my job isn't torture.
Maybe writing these will be a kind of morning pages for me -- I've been on the long journey of trying to de-professionalize my web usage, and I can see this becoming a positive outlet for me now that I'm really in need of a place to externalize my thoughts. We'll see how it goes